Over at Glue 4 Families, there was a good post on marrital conflict. It’s funny she put it up because this topic came up at our November Girl’s Night last night.
We were playing a game where everyone is given a card with a different beginning of a sentence. Then each finishes the sentence and everyone else guesses if it’s true or false. It was a lot of fun. Anyway, mine was “I really can’t stand to be nagged about…” I said, “…doing laundry.” Everyone guessed true. It was not. I lied 😀
I said, “He knows better than to nag me about stuff!” and grinned. The example I gave was this week when my honey came to me and said, “I don’t have any more clean underwear.” (sorry honey!!!) I did laundry that day. And that’s as far as it ever goes between either of us. We have a respect and understanding that each has a job to do and does it. And if it’s bad enough that one of us needs to be reminded, it’s understood that the person really needs to have something done. If dh has something that he needs to do and he’s not, all it takes is for me to bring it up and he does it.
Anyway, someone asked me if we fight. I honestly said, “Not anymore. We did the first year, a few times the second year, and once the third year, and there’s been nothing since.” (We’ll be married 7 yrs in February.) We’ve learned how to discuss (just a regular conversation) without arguing, and if on rare occasion we do argue, we do it without yelling or raising voices or hurting the other person. We state our side and try to resolve the issue. And usually it’s pretty quickly, never more than an hour and we move on.
So my question today is…do you fight or do you discuss?
Robin has an interesting post that made me decide to write this one. His point is right on.
My husband and I have always discussed getting a gun for the house. I grew up in Texas where everyone and their dog and the dog’s fleas have guns. Babies pack pistols in their diapers and toddlers shove a shotgun into their diaper bag. My dad had more than one.
My husband was in the US Army for 4 years and became very skilled in shooting a number of weapons, as I’m sure you can imagine.
But the thing that’s always held us back was hearing all the horror stories about kids shooting each other or themselves. The last thing we’ve ever wanted was to have that happen to our family…I can’t imagine ever “getting over” something like that.
In discussing this topic this past week with my husband, I asked, “Well, how do you keep a gun responsibly? What’s the key? I grew up knowing there were guns, but they weren’t ever out laying around and I never saw my dad playing with one. But I respected them and I stayed away as a kid.”
Dh pointed out that was the key, right there. To keep them put away, not to have them out and visible so a kid’s not temped to pick it up. Not to clean it around kids and only take it out when you go practice at the range or use it hunting. It’s all in the parenting…but there’s still horror stories. Like the “one time” when the gun was left out.
So I don’t know…I’m not against guns at all, but if we were to have one, there would definitely be regulations on the thing. This has been a discussion for 7 years and may be one for the next 7 🙂
Ok, not really.
But have you ever been around someone who always talks bad about his/her spouse? It’s really awkward. And annoying. I always wonder, ok, why are you with this person if they’re so awful?? And why are you telling me??
We know someone, “Bob.” Bob dogs on his wife frequently. Paul recently heard another friend talking to Bob on the phone. That other person dogged on Bob’s wife and laughed! What Bob didn’t realize that when you dog on your spouse, you give other people permission to do the same. So why let other people say bad things about your spouse?
One of my sisters and I talk on occasion and typically, our husbands come into the conversation. We’ve come to the conclusion that men don’t always put dirty socks into the basket or put the new roll of tp back on. And I think joking about those general things is harmless. It crosses the line if I were to call her angrily or very frustrated and say, “Why can’t he just put his dirty socks away? He’s such a slob and I always have to do everything! He thinks I’m his maid!”
At that point, my sister would probably wonder if all wasn’t well in paradise. And after just a few of those calls, she would question the type of person he is or if I should get out. Usually a person is mad at their spouse when they call someone to complain. The outsider doesn’t witness the make-up. They just get a view of a bad relationship.
I think people complain about their spouse to others because they think it’s the popular or cool thing to do, as childish and jr-high-schoolish as it sounds. My husband knows quite a few of these people and it drives him crazy.
We made a vow when we first got married to never talk badly about the other person. If there was a problem, we’d seek counseling if we had to. But it has to stay between us, resolved by us, and always kept that way. We defend each other if necessary and are always a united front. When you allow others into the marriage, you inevitably allow a crack that becomes a fissure.
**Disclaimer….Paul did read this before it was posted…I wouldn’t want him to think I was doggin’ on his dirty socks 😛
I saw this post today and was thinking about the term SuperMom. I talked to my husband about it and he of course said that I was a supermom, but that’s beside the point. To me the definition of a supermom is a mom that can do it all and not just do it all but be happy doing it all. You have to enjoy it and live in the moment. That includes changing poopy diapers while the older child is on the potty yelling “MOMMY!!!” and the oldest one is asking you to do laundry all at the same time your husband is walking through the door asking for dinner and the kitty litter needs to be changed. To me it’s not about working inside or outside of the home, it’s simply about doing it all.
My view on working and putting children in daycare is that most of the time it is not worth the effort. Quite often the expenses of a daycare are so close to what a parent might earn, and then adding in gas prices, work clothes, extra cost of quick meals, stress, and missing out on your kids, that it isn’t worth it. After all of that calculate how much you earn an hour and see if that’s really worth it. Sometimes we just need to scale back on how new the car is, how big the car is, or how big our vacations are. Live simply and enjoy the day-to-day life with kids, animals, cooking, and all that goes into a stay-at-home mom’s life.
So am I a supermom? Most definitely 🙂 Ask my husband.
Every night since Dean was born, we’ve wrapped him in a special blanket made for swaddling. He ends up looking like a cute little baby burrito, hands by his side. At 2 months old, he begins to get fussy in the evenings starting about 8:45pm. He’s ready to get ready for bed. I wrap him up and immediately he quiets down. It’s like turning on a light switch in the middle of the night. Amazing difference. Then he eats again and is happy until morning. He’s come to predict and look forward to the routine.
Many people feel that predictability in marriage and life is dull, in a rut. You hear it a million times. But there’s a huge difference in predictability and boredom. I can wake up every day with an outline of what will happen. Life is stable…I know what I’m going to feed the kids at each meal. I know they have beds to sleep in at night. I know my car is going to start when I have to go somewhere. I know there’s money if Pierce gets hurt, or Dean needs shots, or Gab needs her braces adjusted.
Fortunately, there are always ups and downs in my day. A couple nights ago, Pierce climbed in bed with us. I woke up in the morning to a huge wet spot by me..nice. So it was laundry first thing. Then the kitten peed in the dog’s bed. I had to go wash that by hand…fun. Then I knew I had company coming, so I had to rush to the treadmill and shower and clean up before they got here. All this by 9:30 am. This is what keeps life from getting boring.
So when you think life is getting too boring, just realize it’s stable. And, ultimately, stability brings peace. And if it’s still boring, shake it up! No one has control over your life like you do. There’s 2 things we can do: complain and do nothing and continue to be unhappy, or complain and make a change.
As for me and my life and family right now, I don’t have the option or time to get bored. With a 5th grader, a 3 year old and a new baby, every day is a new one. Predictable and stable but never boring.
A friend of mine is getting married in a couple of months and is having her bridal shower tonight. It really takes me back to when I was making plans for marriage!
We’ve been married for 6 1/2 years…7 in February. My bridal shower was on the same day as my birthday, exactly a week before the wedding. It was just family but it was simple and nice. I still remember most of the gifts that were given to us/me. I’m still using the laundry basket my sil (Katie) gave me. It’s a constant reminder of how we started out….
Long story short, I was on vacation in Florida, hanging out with a friend. Paul was his roommate. The friend disappeared for most of the day, leaving Paul and me at the condo. So, being the nice guy he was (is), he started talking to me to entertain me. We found that we got along quite well. We decided to ditch the roommate and go hang out that night…but we did end up bringing him. The 3 of us had a lot of fun, but Paul and I started growing on eacher. By the time I left a couple days later, we had decided to swap email and IM. We spent countless hours on the phone and computer. I think we averaged about 2-3 hours a day. Three months later (after seeing each other once more), he moved to where I was living and in less than 24 hours later we were engaged.
Then the wedding plans began. It was great; we agreed on everything and it turned out to be simple but everything was beautiful.
So, seeing my friend make the same plans is exciting. Paul and I have had a great (almost) 7 years together and I hope she has the same good fortune.
I just find it very wrong that Paul and I can go on the same diet, eat the same foods for the same amount of time, I exercise (he doesn’t) and he loses 15 lbs and I lose 2!! Grrrr…