Over at Glue 4 Families, there was a good post on marrital conflict. It’s funny she put it up because this topic came up at our November Girl’s Night last night.
We were playing a game where everyone is given a card with a different beginning of a sentence. Then each finishes the sentence and everyone else guesses if it’s true or false. It was a lot of fun. Anyway, mine was “I really can’t stand to be nagged about…” I said, “…doing laundry.” Everyone guessed true. It was not. I lied 😀
I said, “He knows better than to nag me about stuff!” and grinned. The example I gave was this week when my honey came to me and said, “I don’t have any more clean underwear.” (sorry honey!!!) I did laundry that day. And that’s as far as it ever goes between either of us. We have a respect and understanding that each has a job to do and does it. And if it’s bad enough that one of us needs to be reminded, it’s understood that the person really needs to have something done. If dh has something that he needs to do and he’s not, all it takes is for me to bring it up and he does it.
Anyway, someone asked me if we fight. I honestly said, “Not anymore. We did the first year, a few times the second year, and once the third year, and there’s been nothing since.” (We’ll be married 7 yrs in February.) We’ve learned how to discuss (just a regular conversation) without arguing, and if on rare occasion we do argue, we do it without yelling or raising voices or hurting the other person. We state our side and try to resolve the issue. And usually it’s pretty quickly, never more than an hour and we move on.
So my question today is…do you fight or do you discuss?
Oh yeah, we fight. I am a bit of a hot head and dh is one to stuff his feelings so every once in a while it all comes out! However our fights are not nearly as bad as that first year of marriage, we have gotten a lot better about remaining respectful and not “going there.” Actually since we have become parents the fighting has gotten even more tame since we don’t want to argue in front of her.
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Thanks for the shout out and continuing this topic on your page. I certainly think it’s best to discuss, not fight. After all, perception has to be a huge part in resolving an issue. If we feel we’re discussing an issue then it can be resolved amicably. If we think we’re fighting, then even the winner loses. We work together to make right decisions and show loving attitudes and behaviors towards each other. If we fight, we are in opposition with each other. Marriage should be a partnership.
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I’d say we’re middle of the road. We don’t really fight, but our discussions can become heated, just not to the point of insults of meanness. Usually when things start getting intense, we’ll back off for a while, cool down and then resume the discussion with calmer heads. Nine and a half years married and we seem to be doing okay.
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we discuss. fighting never happens in our relationship, because even if i wanted to fight, hubby won’t. if i’ll be talking a lot [read: nagging], he will hold his peace. when we both are in good spirits, discussion take place. and there’s so many words to be used in a discussion, good words at that. but i think deciding not to fight is an option. and we just opt to choose not to fight. the same thing with a choice on being happy. fighting can be avoided. and discussing can happen using good words. 🙂
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I had to think about it. We don’t usually fight, but we do disagree. When I think of fighting, I think of yelling and very hostile tones. I try to avoid that because I don’t think it is good for the kids. There is enough of that between the kids.
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